so in the end i was nth but a big hopeless cowardy fcking loser... i felt like a loser, played like a loser and I/we couldn have lost anything worse than this in the many seasons we have had... makes me wonder how im gna face the other coaches esp. when mr lim asks me about it, when the seniors know about it, when my friends hear of it.
it's not abt being a loser, but the way i lost. no doubt they were strong opponenets, but i felt like out of the 15 balls, 10 balls were saveable, and out of the 15 there were 7 i got my hands on and it bounced off my palms. it couldn have been worse, and i nver felt so eeks horrid before really. Definitely i admit i was intimidated, scared, which prolly made me the biggest coward today. But i realised the most basic thing i couldn even do was to punch it out. well the shots were hard and long, harder than usual but i believed still something i shld be capable of handling. Everytime that negro just swung her foot really hard, i felt like a complete loser seriously, I could feel my heart pumping my blood pressure rising and in the end i chickened out. and i really was scared. at the end of the first half, I felt so horrid that i even felt like calling it quits cos i saw no point implicating the team with my horrible performance.
during half-time, coach din say anything to me, which in a sense left me relieved cos i was still trying to surpress my emotions. seeing him calm starting calming my nerves as well. mr melvin tan was dealing it in a very rational and calm manner. he called me aside and told me simply to start the second half like it's 0-0, and improve and at least i could tell myself i had a good game.
second half, i bounced back a little. I realised i had to have stronger hands and fingers since the shots were hard, be more aggressive and started visualising myself diving at the person's feet and stuff and for some moments it did work. what struck me most deeply was that i realised the thing that made me feel a complete loser was everytime i got the grip of the ball the ball would just bounce off my hand into the goal. that feeling sucked cos it felt you were going to take something that was going to belong to you and at the very next second it just disappears and leaves you with a pathetic and miserable aftertaste, and the best part of it was that, once it's in there's no turning back.
my inconfidence really show in the way i handle the ball. sometimes the ball i catch can sitll be rolling in my arms until i tuck it into my chest. i rammed three of my fingers into the ball today and really made me wondered how the hell i did that and how the ball still flew into the goal. i had the quietest match today, as in i couldn hear myselt talking at all. i totally lost the courage to shout, so i din communicate with my teammates at all during corners. it just shows in everything really everything you do when you are nth but a big a coward. i hated that feeling so badly that towards the end of the match then did I show some basic fighting spirit towards those negros and the girl i knocked down. i stopped hesitating so much during 1 on 1 situtaions. and honestly speaking, i havent had any chances with these 1 on 1 situations till today. that was a truly learning exp for me esp. when you were facing such skilful and big players and you had to be brave and just throw your body over the ball. long and hard shots are my biggest weakness i realise. what i lack is strong hands, firm grip. needa learn to jump higher.
and my punts. never felt that it was that bad till today. something I was most confident of out of the many many things turned out to be really sucky today. everytime i punted, that negro would always get it and it never could never make it past the halfway line. made me feel like a complete loser again. in my previous matches, my punts never ever so easily gets headed and controlled by opponent players.
the girls put up a great fight really. i was happy for them aft the match yet at the same time i knew for the thousand and one time they din deserve this. i was telling jiemin how thankful i was that she was in frnt of me if not i would have died even more. i was thankful for every isngle person in front of me who fought hard and faced the bigger opponenets bravely.
i really dno what to say to coach and see no longer why he should put so much faith in me. what really is most painful was that the team had to suffer the costs of my mistakes, and even him.
i need some time to think about it, get my eyes and fingers to recover and hmm reflect alot.
at the end of the day, i guess the only consoling thing is that what i learnt from this match, is more than any other more matches i have been through.both mentally and physically